This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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