Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
