The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
And then he peed in my hair
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