I accidentally burped into my bong.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
