Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
