i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
