She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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