I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
