omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i will never coherently bang her
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
