An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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