Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
