I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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