Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
