I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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