No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
