Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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