she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
