can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
