Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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