I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
