1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
