The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Acid is not a monday night drug
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
