Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
