She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
