Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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