Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize