What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
