my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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