I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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