I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
