My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
