Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize