"it" just moved
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
