um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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