Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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