capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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