420 ftw
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
