If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
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