In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
