Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
