May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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