I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
It's blow job season.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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