I think my vagina is haunted
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize