is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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