you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
