we have officially lost it.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
i think i just lost a toe
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
