if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
