I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
