I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I looked at my own cervix.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Randomize
