they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
