The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
