My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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