i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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