I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize