I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
