Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
