can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
