I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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