never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
