I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
