In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
