I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize