Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize