Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
