he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
